Hoping to become 'just Daisy' again...

For this portrait, I goto my old familiar ‘Zurenborg’. The Antwerp neighbourhood where I spent my first years in this city. I still remember the evenings at the square ‘Dageraadplaats’, on a bench under a wooden shelter. It was the meeting point for the local youth. Later it became café Zeezicht. In those days, the number of catering establishments there was very limited. There wasn't much choice.

Now the square is completely different, many cafés and restaurants, some of the streets around the it are car-free. Which gives room for a nice playground. A luminous carpet above the basketball court gives the impression of a permanently visible starry sky. 

You can relax on a terrace while your children have fun in the playground. You are introduced to the benefits of living in a city, without sweltering unpleasant hustle and bustle. Once a neighbourhood in decline, with old houses nobody wanted. Too expensive to renovate or isolate them. Now one of the city's hippest neighbourhoods.

Daisy likes living there; she doesn't see herself moving right away. It's not just the square and the ambiance of the neighbourhood that keep her there. So do the good contacts with other families in the neighbourhood. Due to renovations, one of her neighbours temporarily moved a few streets away. They did not like that; they missed their own place, their nice neighbours and the proximity of the Dageraadplaats. Such a strong connection to her home is something Daisy also has. Something that became even more apparent in the past year. No, living elsewhere is not an option.

But I didn't cycle to Zurenborg to talk to Daisy about the neighbourhood. Yes, it comes up regularly. Daisy is very social, has a big network. Not only through the neighbourhood, also the tennis club, the football clubs where her sons train and the youth club. She is very approachable, it is easy to make contact with her.

She did not hesitate when I asked her if I could write a portrait of her. And so today she settled herself relaxed in the sofa to answer my questions. I don't have to ask many, per se; she doesn't need much encouragement to chat. For about 90 minutes, she talks mostly about the past year.

Which, in a way, I find surprising. Not that we know each other so well now. Our relationship was rather business-like. As colleagues, as supervisor versus staff member. So to open up then is not obvious.

Her world was seriously turned upside down. Something that hit me hard too.

No, it has nothing to do with 'having character'. She is very clear about that. Something she points out several times in our conversation.

While over the past year she has regularly heard others say that she really does have that after all.

In front of me sits a down-to-earth Daisy, something she was before too, but initially less obvious to me. And yes, her world did stop for a while anyway. I can't imagine it, it's one of those things you have to experience yourself before you can really assess how it feels and what it does to you. To be clear, not something I wish on anyone.

She has had a rough year. Just after her 40th birthday, she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Until then, she had never been sick. In itself, she also felt fine, which made it extra frightening for her.  "You are super sick then and you don't notice anything," she said. 

Even towards the future, this remains a difficult one she says. Because if you relapse, you won't feel it. Daisy will need regular check-ups. Again and again, hoping for good news. This, and taking a lot of medication, will be a permanent part of her life from now on.

She talks about it all calmly, without expressed emotion. I think partly also with a certain resignation. She has, and had, no choice, but she doesn't want to think about it too deeply and too much either. Because besides being quite down-to-earth, she is also very realistic. She knows that the chances are real that she won't get very old. Which makes her want to enjoy every day even more. Enjoying everyday things with her family at the centre. 

June 2022 her life stopped for a while. For a few weeks, it passed as if in a daze. 'Breast cancer' was the first diagnosis. A little later, they diagnosed metastases in her spinal cord. Scans indicated it was very close to the nerve tracts. Really not good news, then. 

Well, then it really is on the edge. At first, she did not know whether she would cure. Something the doctor couldn't really answer. So they had to wait a few more weeks until she could see the oncologist. I write 'they had to' here very deliberately. Because it's not just about Daisy. There is also Tim and the three sons. Not obvious weeks for them either. 

"So how do you get through that?" I ask her. "Well, hardly at all... you sit there then with your three children and your husband."

The doctor also prescribed Tim several weeks of sick leave, going to work was not really a priority. They spent a lot of time weeping and going cycling and hiking once in a while to have something to do. The three children did ensure that normal life continued to take its course. They had to go to school, to football a few times a week, to the youth club during the weekend, ... but these were long, very stressful weeks. Waiting and hoping for some good news. 

At first, there were only the scans to check if and how many metastases there were. Beyond that, they then did nothing. Until the treatments started. "Then you can fight," Daisy often heard people say. A statement she does not agree with. You can't fight it, rather it's undergoing it, going for it and hoping for the best. All those people who say 'ge do that well'. You just do that on autopilot. You go to the hospital and then you have all the tests done and the chemo, radiotherapy and surgery. 

"So haven't all those dying through cancer fought hard enough?" she asks me? She also responds to what 'having character' means with the same level-headedness.  You have no choice. It's start treatments or give up. In that last case, it stops for good. Not for a moment did she consider that option. 

From the start of the treatments, things improved mentally. She got a lot of questions, whether she wasn't scared of the chemo and so on. "No, let it all start as soon as possible, then there is perspective again. At least then you are doing something." 

Daisy has a lot of faith in classical medicine. You have people who then say they are going to eat healthier or do things differently. Like exercising more and so on.

The pills she takes now, with those hormones ... a lot of people say they don't want that. Daisy does not hesitate, even if it only gives her a few percent extra chance, she will always try that. 

But the chances of relapse are high. Because it was already so advanced, and you have to be able to give that a place. She goes to the psychologist at the breast clinic for this. That psychologist has always been there, during chemo, after the operation, and now she still goes there every now and then. She also went there with Tim, because it also changes you as a couple. 

"Mainly I have changed, he and the boys not so much, they have also been impacted by it, but their lives have 'just' gone on. Tim kept working and the boys continued to go to school as usual." Although she adds that Tim has done very well. He supported her enormously and continued to take care of the boys. But he does experience it all differently. Which is certainly not a judgement, it is just reality.

He is also not as much into that as she is. It is a bit of a search again, also towards the future. Both find it important to enjoy life. Daisy has that much more now. While Tim rather wonders if they shouldn't save extra or invest in something. 

No, Daisy still wants to travel a lot, which is what they love most, especially now that the boys still want to come along. "You don't know how old I will get. You think about that a lot more now than people who haven't been sick."

I continue to find it strange and confrontational that she says that so calmly. That she might not get that old. On the other hand, it is simply the reality of her life. She has no choice but to accept that and move on. As it was before that damn cancer turned everything upside down. 

She had one of those port catheters through which she received the chemo. The oncologist suggested leaving that in place: 'for when it comes back'. No, she doesn't like that, she also finds it too difficult mentally to leave it in: "You feel it doesn't belong there." 

Now that the treatments are over, she wants to decide for herself again. You feel such a port catheter all the time, on your bra strap, the seat belt in the car, or when you lie on it. Even though the oncologist thought it might be a good idea not to remove it. "Should it ever be needed again they can stick a new one in there hé." There's that down-to-earthness again.  She is also right, after all she has had to go through, possibly having such a port catheter reinserted is really a small thing. 

Now she wants to be just 'Daisy' again as soon as possible. Not 'Daisy the cancer patient'. That's another reason she wants the damn thing gone. Nor going to talking groups or going out with fellow sufferers. No, no need.

She sees that others do need it. But she doesn't, because then that always remains too much in the foreground. No, let's enjoy ourselves again now. And let 'normal' life run its course again. 

Going out with the boys, eating out with Tim, having a drink on a terrace in the square and going on a trip are certainly not to be missed. 

The eldest will go to secondary school from this year. The boys are growing up. She is looking forward to watching them grow up and having more time with them, without the nurturing and restrictions you do have with smaller children. 

She is slowly getting ready to go back to work. Progressively at first and then gradually build back up. It is still difficult to focus on anything for long. 

Daisy is a sporty one. That may have helped her not to suffer too much from the treatments. With the chemo it was tough, but otherwise it wasn't too bad. Thanks to the many medicines that took away the side effects. Of course she didn't feel great, but now she wasn't feeling sick all week either. She continued to play tennis and joined the physiotherapist as much as possible. 

During treatment, she met a woman who was going through the same thing as her. But unfortunately, she can only go on outings with her children in a wheelchair, despite the same treatment. Everyone reacts differently to it, of course, but maybe enough exercise gave Daisy an advantage that made her tolerate the whole process better. 

It is still not like before, but she can do most of it again. She now suffers a lot from the side effects of the medication, her joints and muscles hurt a lot. Which also gets better when she does sports. 

I once heard Daisy say she absolutely hated the thought of turning 40. She looks at that completely differently now. Although, it didn't turn out to be a good year. Shortly after she turned 40, the family doctor discovered cancer in her. 

Now she just wants to get older, because you hear more and more (too) young women who do not survive cancer. 

At her tennis club, someone has incurable metastatic cancer. Who hopes she can still make it to 40. 

No, mentally it was no fun. Through her warm neighbourhood and wide network, she had a lot of support. There was always someone willing to take her to chemo, stop by for a cup of coffee, do the shopping and take the children to their hobbies. Taking turns, colleagues cooked for the family. Daisy cannot imagine how to face this disease without such a network. 

"I am also very happy that I work for the city and am a statutory employee. I never thought that was very important per se but now it is a huge advantage, I was paid all the time."

Through the hospitalisation insurance, which every employee receives, Daisy can compensate for a large part of the extra expenses. The City of Antwerp is also very accessible. Daisy will gradually return to work. Building up slowly so she can get used to the work regime again. That too is not obvious. She knows a woman who received a letter of dismissal from her boss instead of progressive employment. Unfortunately, not all employers are sympathetic to this. 

As I finish this portrait, the wind rushes past the house. Storm Ciarán passes over our land. It fits the above story, Daisy has had a stormy year. I hope the wind dies down a bit now. The sun back shines a lot. Something she has always loved anyway. Being able to enjoy the outdoors. Of her family, family, many friends...and especially many more adventurous trips. 

But most of all, I hope Daisy can go through life as Daisy again, without the stamp of 'cancer patient'.