The embodiment of hope?

The kick-off

In the coffee bar of KdG campus south, I ask her: if I could write her portrait. Not obvious in itself, because it's not like we have such a personally close relationship. We know each other mainly as colleagues. But those who read further will discover that there is a link. 

She responds very enthusiastically to my question. Even feels honoured. Quite understandable, the idea that someone shows interest in you and wants to do something with it is nice. She is the first person I will portray. I cannot present an extensive record of portraits as a reference. I appreciate her giving me this opportunity. Writing a portrait is a snapshot, in this case based on an in-depth conversation and previous experiences I had with Leen.

On the road to Deurne

So be it, it is because of this that I cycle from Hoboken to the other side of town on a Saturday afternoon in wintry cold. It may sound spectacular, but it's not so bad. Antwerp is not that big either, although we sometimes think it is. 
From the moment I leave Berchem behind and continue towards Deurne, I notice the poor condition of the cycle paths. It occurs to me that she takes this dilapidated route almost daily to work and outings around town. Also that I am apparently spoilt, in my neighbourhood more has been invested in quality cycle paths. It reinforces my image about Deurne. I don't really have a thing with this Antwerps district. It makes a drab and grey impression on me. Lots of concrete, stones and little greenery. It doesn't make me happy. For some inexplicable reason, I often drive the wrong way there, have trouble finding my way around. 

This time I am well prepared: I have mounted my mobile phone holder on my bicycle steering so that, with the help of Google maps, I can find my way without any problem. The further I ride into Deurne, the more I wonder what she has lost here? Surely this is no habitat for a young active woman?  I wonder if she wouldn't be happier in the bustling city centre where she has everything at her fingertips.

I am also curious to see her house, which has undergone a metamorphosis in recent years due to a major renovation. Something that could very well be followed on social media. You just have to have the courage to do it, as a single person setting up such a project. Not being a builder herself, she had to be able to largely hand it over and trust that it would turn out well. It's about your home, your nest. Something you usually spend a large part of your life paying off for. So it really should be okay. 

Well, driving into her street my image of Deurne is confirmed. Lots of bricks and little greenery. All low houses in Belgian, different building styles, next to each other. Not as neat as in the Netherlands where an entire neighbourhood forms one beautiful whole. Although, there are a few sparse trees and I see many small front gardens. It is winter, which makes it less colourful. Her house also has a front garden, which has yet to be landscaped. Now it is a small sandy area with a narrow slope down to a door. Too narrow to really be a garage, but for someone who mainly travels by bike, it is ideal to be able to park her two-wheeler inside.

A warm renovated nest

With a very big smile and lots of enthusiasm, Leen welcomes me. On the ground floor one long room with lots of light. When I step inside, I see an everyday wooden table and ditto chairs on the right. In the middle, the kitchen claims all the attention. No, nothing garish, but big. A sturdy kitchen island with a long wall of fitted cupboards behind it. In inconspicuous white. 

To the left against the wall, a cosy seating area. Across from it a low TV cabinet with flat screen. The bright spot in this restful interior is a small real Christmas tree. Yes, environmentally conscious it is not. Every year she puts up a real tree at Christmas. She hesitates to buy an artificial tree. Although it doesn't seem quite the same to her. 

Grey is the tone of her living room, no decoration or other frills anywhere. Nor a filled bookcase or sideboard with souvenirs from her many travels. It is a very conscious choice. I notice that it works because it exudes a certain tranquillity. Here you can really come to yourself after a busy day, without overstimulation. 

From the sitting area, I overlook a small city garden. Through a large window, which takes up the entire width and height of the ground floor, I can see the terrace with a small lawn behind it. When she moved in, it formed one entity with the neighbour's garden. She had a fence put up between the two gardens anyway. At the neighbour's request, something at hip height. Not ideal, it gives no sense of privacy, but she can live with it. As long as the nosy neighbour two houses away doesn't demand too much attention, it's OK with her. 

The very relaxed atmosphere makes me feel immediately at ease. Leen is wearing loose comfortable clothes. You know the kind, everyone puts on clothes like that at home after work. In her case, grey sweatpants and a comfortable jumper.  She settles into the sitting area, crawls under a blanket and is all set for the conversation.

And then for a while it was too much, it was no longer feasible....

About six years ago, we became colleagues at the urban youth service. I got to know her as a critical employee. Someone who clearly set the bar too high for herself, which mostly ate up energy than gave it. She did not seem happy in her job at the time. 

In early 2020, the lights went out for me, I went on long-term sick leave. Despite the little personal connection with Leen, she was the colleague who regularly sent me short messages. Asking me how I was doing. During our conversation, I learn that this really does typify Leen. Caring for others is her second nature. Or perhaps the first?

'The Leen before' and 'The Leen after'

When I went back to work, Leen fell out for a long time. She wasn't doing it anymore, she was up, feeling bad. So we come to what she herself describes as 'the Leen before' and 'the Leen after'. 

When Leen fell out, I sent her an occasional card. Something she very much appreciated, but at the same time found it hard to accept. Because was she really worth receiving a card, did she deserve it?

Privately, too, she always set the bar (too?) high. Especially the idea of always falling short. Questioning a lot about herself and seeing the negative. So she ended up in a depression where she didn't feel like doing anything at all. Between therapy sessions, she sat at home weeping like a piece of misery for the first few weeks. 

Leen grew up in Deurne. Went to school, the youth club and sports club. She built up a wide network around her. Which was also very useful for filling up her diary. Being alone was something unbearable for her. When she was alone, she started doubting herself, feeling very restless.

To break through that, she was doing a lot for others. Her network was able to benefit from that. Something she does not look back on negatively. She does not feel that anyone deliberately took advantage of that. She just couldn't say no and was also happy to have something to do. It was a flight from herself.

Unconsciously, she had fallen into a kind of competition with her sister. Perfection versus imperfection. In which Leen saw herself in the role of the latter. Her sister made it, very career-oriented with a big salary and ditto house. Being part of a family. The epitome of house, garden, tree. She graduated magna cum laude and produced an offspring. Something Leen did not do. Leen constantly compared herself with her and felt of herself that she always fell short, didn't do as well. She wondered if she was the outcast in the family. Someone who did not work hard enough and did not achieve great successes.

As for that offspring, there won't be any. Whether she doesn't mind then that she won't have children? No, the partner in her last relationship had a baby. She then did a lot for it and thought it suited her: 'house, garden and tree'. Now that she notices she has her own life back, she is happy about that too. Going on trips, meeting up with friends without having to deal with a family has its advantages.

Well, she might find that more selfish then, thinking more of herself again. At the risk of not getting to know anyone else. Which she is deliberately holding off now because this could throw her off balance again at the moment. She doesn't feel like that, it's fine the way it is now. 

She had never talked about this unconscious competition with anyone before, she always let it come over her and always carried that with her. During intensive therapy, all that came to the surface. 

Make no mistake: Leen has a very sweet sister. They have a very good relationship. Now she finds it stupid that she always compared herself to her sister.  She let it go.

To avoid having to confront herself, Leen crammed her diary. After work, she would pick up her sister's children from school, cook for them and help them with their homework.

It was never enough, it always had to be better. Now she looks at it very differently. She is really happy with where and how she is currently in life. She is happy with her little house, has many friends, a super-sized network. She also has a job she feels okay with (no longer with the youth service) and which she says she does extremely well.

The difficult thing is that she could not really identify what was causing that constant wanting to care for others and the constant critical attitude towards herself. She had a happy childhood, so there is nothing traumatic in her childhood that could possibly explain it. Although she does mention that her dad was not exactly an easygoing person. He could suddenly get very angry, get verbally worked up in things. It makes Leen think that she doesn't really fully understand that her mum always endured that and kept taking care of her dad. 

So the caring comes mainly from her mum. To avoid misunderstandings: Leen has mostly good memories of her father, who sadly passed away far too early. She was 27, too young to lose your dad then. It took her a long time to give this a place. Initially, she thought she would never get over it. She eventually did, the grief wore off. But the first few years were "hell" for her.

A Leen 'after'

Now there is 'a Leen na'. Who does enjoy sitting quietly at home and dares to say no. Yes, she sometimes goes to pick up her sister's children from school, but doesn't stay there all evening. She now dares to ask her sister if she will be away for a long time. It took some getting used to at first for both of them. No longer assuming that Leen is always on standby, also wanting time for herself. 

Leen learned during some very difficult months to make time for herself. There are a few presents under the Christmas tree. I ask if there is anything for her too? After a brief pause, she admits that it is difficult for her to buy something for herself. 

The caring Leen prefers to buy for others. Meanwhile, she knows that not everything has to be about others. Her attitude has changed in this respect. Yes, it is really okay to buy something for yourself, something you like. Little things like a nice piece of chocolate....

Going on a trip, too. Something essential in her life. It gives her the opportunity to explore the world. Then she is very relaxed. She usually goes with friends or through an organised group trip. She doesn't feel like travelling alone, at home she keeps to herself enough.  

Going out with strangers is also an interesting learning experience. A challenge that teaches you a lot. It broadens your view when you travel with a group of people you don't know at all. With a mishmash like that, it is sometimes a bit of stretching. It taught her that everyone has something beautiful in them.

She used to connect mostly with like-minded people. Which made it easier to bond and find each other. And now she is much more open to others. It all doesn't matter anymore: young, old, studied or not. She likes that, because before she was perhaps too much in her own bubble. With the mindset of 'how I am, so must my friends be too'. 

I ask her what she discovered during her last trip in South Africa. Beautiful nature and a big difference between whites and blacks. How good we actually have it in Belgium. There is also poverty here, but we mostly don't see it. There are a lot of big slums there, you can't miss it.  

Which gives her a double feeling during such a trip, because she can fly there and travel for three weeks, the locals can't. But travelling is important to her, she will continue to do so.

Leen is also very happy to come back home to her own little nest in Deurne. Which sees my earlier question of whether she is in place there answered. It is a resounding "yes". It is the place where she grew up and built a wide network. Whether she sees herself living elsewhere, in Ghent or something: "No, unless all my friends move with me".

The embodiment of hope 

I have a thing for something with Brussels, with a double feeling. Being 'wow' on one side and a sense of disgust on the other. I find it blissful to wander the streets of Brussels, but at the same time I also see the poverty and misery. 

But what does that have to do with the woman I am trying to portray here? Let me clarify that here: I enjoy reading the city magazine Bruzzz. A magazine for, by and about Brussels. For those who live there and those who love it. The latest issue of 2022 is about hope. 

As I read the article, it overwhelms me. How Leen unintentionally sets an example, shows how things should be done: in what way it is best for all of us to get along so that we have a hopeful future. The Erik 'before' was too biased towards others based on faulty assumptions. I tell myself that I no longer do that now, but in all honesty, I must admit that it remains a working point.

But back to Leen, because this is about her: she is a trailblazer in this respect, someone who represents very clearly how we can go through life hopeful. 

Hence the title of this portrait: The embodiment of hope!

I like to quote her here, so that you are completely with my train of thought: "there is beauty in every human being". 

In the conversation in preparation for this portrait, it will be mentioned several times. About how she now tries to look for that beauty in every human being. 

She is right, we should all try to break through the polarisation because this has nothing constructive or hopeful. It turns people against each other, sours our society. By looking for beauty in everyone, she is going against this in a big way.

But isn't that easier said than done? A lot depends on how you are in life. Across to me sits a woman who clearly has both feet in the here and now. Who fully embraces life, wants to make the most of it and enjoys the small and big things.  

Have I completely fathomed Leen with this portrait? No, but you don't need to. A portrait is a snapshot. I would love to meet up with her again in about five years' time. Which might then give a completely different portrait. I am very grateful to Leen for her openness and the chance she gave me to finally get started with portrait writing. 

No, this is not a finished and all-encompassing portrait. But: 'Good is good enough', there is nothing wrong with that. 

Like Leen, I too learned that not everything has to be perfect!